I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
