listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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