I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
