he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
