There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
