You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
