Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
