I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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