That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
