Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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