I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
