I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Help me help you realize you are a moron
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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