so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
