She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
