we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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