Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
