Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
