I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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