So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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