$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
