anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
