Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
