is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
