He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
