The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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