i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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