I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize