I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
