If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
