you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
