Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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