i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize