if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
