The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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