Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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