I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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