I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
