she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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