The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
