if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
