You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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