I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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