yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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