He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
