we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
sarcasm needs its own font
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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