It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
