His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
