It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize