the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
