he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My ass is underappreciated
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
