i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
love makes seman taste better
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
