Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he shaved USA in his pubs
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
