I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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