Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
