I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
