everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
