Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize