Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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