You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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